


Burden

by linefaced



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-24
Updated: 2014-10-24
Packaged: 2018-02-22 09:31:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2502959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linefaced/pseuds/linefaced
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Izanagi was really Shadow Souji all along.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Burden

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this gorgeous piece of Shadow Souji](http://floatslikebricks.tumblr.com/post/100466169601/i-feel-like-every-persona-4-fan-has-their-own) by floatslikebricks on Tumblr. I'm apparently easily inspired by Shadow Souji fanart, who knew?

He's fairly certain Souji has him figured out from the beginning.

There's a moment after he first emerges, hidden behind a white mask and elaborate coat as he destroys the Shadows threatening the trio before him, where Souji tilts his head up and looks him directly in the eye. Some amount of surprise manifests on his face, but it's not the same kind of surprise as one might have when looking at a stranger.

Instead, it's as though he's turned and unexpectedly found a mirror.

* * *

_It's easier to keep your distance from people than to hurt them later when you inevitably have to leave._

Souji had decided on this philosophy the second time his parents had moved to a new city, uprooted from his old life and pulled away to a strange place with strange people. He still remembers the cutting tone from the boy in his elementary school's soccer club, a boy who he'd considered himself friends with.

“ _What are we gonna do about the soccer team?! If you leave, we'll be one player short!”_

“ _My mom—”_

“ _Whatever, I don't care!”_

He's so tired of having to let people down by leaving them behind.

* * *

The emotional barriers he puts up are effective enough. He still wound up with a few friends in the school he attended before moving to Inaba, but being told he was going to be living with his uncle and cousin for a year came as little surprise. As their homeroom teacher announced the news, he watched impassively as a handful of faces around the room expressed their disappointment, but at least this time he'd had the forethought to warn a few of them that this was liable to happen.

He'd do even better in Inaba, he'd decided. He'd keep his distance, not let anyone get close to him, and be gone within a year, leaving scarcely a mark on that town and the the people there. No one to disappoint, no one to let down, no one who's expectations he'd end up failing to meet.

He'd be fine.

* * *

As Yosuke Hanamura holds out his hand and smiles at him, Souji feels his resolve breaking.

“...Well, let's do our best!” he says, and his hand is warm as it closes around Souji's own with a strange sort of finality. An otherworldly voice echoes in his head, solidifying their bond, confirming its existence without leaving any kind of room for denial. Yosuke had managed to push through the barriers that Souji put up and wormed his way into his heart, and Souji instinctively knows—despite wishing he didn't—that he might be the first, but he won't be the last.

* * *

He tries to escape it, just once.

“Hey,” he says one day as he and Yosuke walk down the floodplain, “you remember I'll only be here for a year, right? I'm leaving in March.”

Yosuke looks at him, confused at first, and then with a small furrow between his eyebrows that betrays everything going through his mind.

“Yeah, I remember,” he replies, and the smile he puts on might have fooled anyone else, but not Souji. “What, you sick of me already, Partner?”

Souji never tries again.

* * *

One by one, Souji gets closer and closer to each of them. Sometimes, a very cruel part of him thinks that this Shadow thing is downright _cheating_ , because once you've seen the darkest parts of someone's heart, it's difficult to not feel close to them. At least, it is if you're Souji, and the fact that even after escaping the TV World they still need him while sorting themselves out doesn't help, either.

Without really realizing it, his mantra has changed: _Don't be a burden._

So when Chie calls and wants to train, or when Kanji is dealing with his mother in the hospital, or when Yukiko is fending off an aggressive camera crew, he's there. He's there while Naoto struggles with her professional life, while Teddie searches for meaning, while Rise fights off all the expectations placed on her, while Yosuke anguishes over the unjust death of a girl he cared for. And in the course of all this, he finds himself there for people outside of the TV World incidents as well, for Ai, for Naoki, for Kou and Daisuke, for Eri and Shu and Sayoko, for Dojima and Nanako, for anyone who needs him, because no matter how much he dreads having to leave at the end of the year, it is nice to be needed.

* * *

The second time he suspects Souji recognizes him is a day in the Velvet Room, a visit that he's come to fear. He's outlived his usefulness, after all, reached the limit in his current form to acquire any more abilities or gain as much power as some of Souji's other Personas, something that frustrates him to his core. But he's desperate not to be traded away, because being put back into the Compendium would mean that he would be too far away from the others, that he wouldn't be able to watch over them like he so desperately wanted. He had to protect the people Souji was close to, and that while he was arguably weak compared to the power Souji was steadily gaining, being confined to the pages of the book in Margaret's lap would prevent him from being of any use at all.

As Souji sits in the plush, blue velvet seat of the limousine, pondering over which Personas to file away and which to fuse, he spends a long time holding Izanagi's card in his hand, turning it over and over again, seeming thoughtful.

“That Persona will not learn any more abilities in its current form,” Margaret comments idly, and Souji replies with a quiet hum of agreement.

 _Please_.

He reaches out desperately, risking a confirmation of his true identity, anything to be kept within the depths of Souji's mind. Even if he's never summoned again, even if he's no longer useful, he knows he can't stand the thought of being unable to reach Souji and his friends. Having to stay here in the limousine, in that damned _book_ , is unthinkable.

“I think I'll hold on to him for a while longer,” Souji says, and frowns to himself as he feels the inexplicable anxiety in the back of his mind come to rest.

* * *

There's a hundred thousand opportunities to emerge, to reveal himself, to confirm to Souji and his teammates who he is behind his mask, but he is also deeply afraid. Each time one of them slaps Souji on the shoulder and comments on his lack of a Shadow and what that must mean, how strong that must make their precious Leader, he becomes more hesitant than ever.

They would be, above all else, _disappointed._

The surprise and the fear would be easy to work past. He meant them no harm, after all, they've become his precious friends and he'd never had anything like them. But they'd built up such an expectation that Souji had no Shadow that he was terrified that showing himself would make them leave, and despite his deep-seated anxiety over letting people down by leaving them, the thought of being left himself makes him so afraid he has nightmares.

“We trusted you,” they whisper in his dreams, with hurt and betrayal in their eyes. “We thought you were stronger than that, but you're no different than us, so what makes you fit to be our Leader?”

The possibilities are endless, and as Souji jolts awake in a cold sweat, pressing a hand over his burning eyes, he decides it's not worth the risk.

* * *

The brighter the light, the deeper the shadows, and Heaven is no exception. The brilliance of their surroundings is in stark contrast to the powerful Shadows that come at them one after another, and he can feel their strength waning as Souji insists that they press on despite their exhaustion.

_Nanako needs me, I have to save her, I can't let her down, Dojima is counting on me, I can't disappoint him, she needs me, I can't let her die, I need her..._

Souji's mind races as he slams his shoulder into the next set of pearlescent doors, adding another bruise to the dozens he already has. He can barely grip the hilt of his sword, and he struggles on despite being able to feel his teammates' worried stares on his back.

The Shadow bears down on them from around a corner, and Yosuke dashes in front of Souji with the last of his strength before anyone can stop him and is stabbed through the middle by the Rain Wind Musha's blade, leaving him in a heap on the ivory tile beneath their feet. Rise screams in their heads, but Souji is too stunned to react, and then Kanji shoves him out of the way, shouting, “ _Move_ , Senpai!” before the hilt of the Musha's sword connects with the side of his head, sending him sprawling. He doesn't move from where he falls, and Souji feels frozen in place, staring at his friends' prone bodies even as the Shadow makes another rush at him.

Yukiko slams into his back, throwing her entire body weight into him and knocking him to the ground, the wind rushing out of his lungs and his sword clattering out of arm's reach across the walkway. From somewhere behind him he hears a slash and a splatter that makes him instantly sick to his stomach, followed by her cry and the unmistakable sound of her collapsing to the ground. Fear turns his blood to ice in his veins, the Shadow's inhuman growls echoing behind him. He tries to summon a Persona, but can't manage it, unable to find the strength to even stand, and despair begins to take him.

 _I've failed, we're going to die here because I pushed too hard, because I asked for too much, because I'm so_ selfish—

**_No!_ **

Izanagi appears in a flash of blue light, rushing straight for the Musha, their blades meeting with a deafening clash of steel. They remain locked for several seconds, and he can feel himself rapidly losing strength as the Shadow pushes back against him, but he knows if he can just hang on long enough...

“Souji-kun!” Chie shouts, charging down the path toward them with Naoto and Teddie right on her heels, and relief floods him just as the Musha's sword opens him from shoulder to gut.

* * *

Later, Souji steps out of the Velvet Room, having paid Margaret a comparable pittance to summon him back. She'd thought it profoundly strange that he'd appeared against Souji's will, and stranger still that he'd taken a fatal attack that Souji reported _feeling_ but surviving, then had vanished temporarily from Souji's mind and had appeared in the Compendium instead.

“How curious,” she'd said, touching her finely manicured nails to her chin, staring at the pages of the book. “It's as though he somehow differs from the rest of your Personas.”

“Maybe I was right to keep him, then,” Souji had replied with a smile, before thanking her and getting up to leave.

Outside, his friends—battered, but all of them alive—wait patiently for him. Souji takes a deep breath, and then bows to them all, so low his torso is parallel to the ground.

“I'm sorry,” he says, trying to keep his tone neutral despite a familiar fear starting to take hold of his heart, “I should have known when to quit, but I—”

Yosuke cuts him off, waving a hand dismissively. “Partner, we get it. Don't worry. Chie brought in the cavalry just in time, and we're fine.”

“Let's take a few days, regroup, and we'll come back and save Nanako-chan for sure,” Yukiko says reassuringly.

“We're not angry, Senpai,” Naoto adds, “I believe most of us would have done the same thing, and the rest of us don't even warrant the title of 'Big Bro'.” She smiles, and the storm building inside Souji quells as the rest of them nod in agreement.

“By the way, though,” Chie pipes up, “was that Izanagi you were using, back there? We haven't seen him in a while. I didn't even know you still had him.”

Souji isn't sure why he lies to them, but he replies evasively, “Oh, well, I just kind of called up whoever I could, and he showed up first.”

They seem to believe him, and collectively move to head toward the exit TVs. Souji is last to leave, but he stops just before he pushes through the screen, straightening and looking around at nothing in particular.

“Hey... thanks,” he says, to the empty air around him, “and welcome back.”

* * *

When Ameno-sagiri falls, they let out a collective cheer, standing for a few minutes among the rubble of Magatsu Inaba before stumbling back to the entrance, holding each other up and laughing.

Outside, they face clear skies, and somehow, the fact that they ultimately fail at saying “hip hip hooray” in unison makes them feel closer than ever.

* * *

“Hey Partner, how come you never talk about yourself?”

Yosuke's question is abrupt enough that Souji flinches, leaving a dark pencil line across the edge of his homework page and onto the tabletop. “Huh?” he asks, intelligently.

“I dunno,” Yosuke says, leaning back onto his elbows and watching his face curiously, “you're always running around helping everybody else, but I was thinking about it the other day. I don't know, like, anything about you. I mean, I do, but I also... don't. Does that make sense?”

Souji laughs, but he can tell by the way Yosuke quirks his eyebrow that the forced note to it hasn't gone unnoticed.

“You sorta cheated,” he muses aloud. “You got to see everybody else's Shadow, so you automatically know a lot about them, but we didn't get that with you. It's kinda unfair, isn't it?”

“Unfair?” Souji echoes doubtfully. “There's not much to know.”

“Look,” Yosuke says, pointing the end of his pencil at Souji's nose, “my deep, dark secret was that I think the country is boring and that I wanna be a hero. Big whoop. That's almost nothing compared to what Naoto or Chie or Kanji had, right?”

“Yosuke, I don't think you're—”

“Hey, I know, and I appreciate it,” Yosuke interrupts, “but I mean, I don't see how you can look at me and think that you're somehow more boring than that.”

Souji waves a hand dismissively. “I don't want to impose anything on you guys. You have enough to deal with.”

“Impose?” Yosuke repeats, snorting, “Jeez, Souji, don't be ridiculous. If you ever need anything, we'd fall all over ourselves to do it. You'd have a freakin' line out the door of people wanting to help you out. You know that.”

“Do I?”

“Uh, hello? We used to pretty much die to keep you alive.”

“Yeah, and that's more than enough.”

“Souji, Partner, c'mon. How bad could it really be? What, is your Shadow gonna show up one day and only say you _don't_ really like cats, or something?”

Souji grins, despite himself.

* * *

The date of his departure looms closer and the dread is still there in the back of his mind, but each day he spends with his friends calms him further about it. They start to express more and more often their sadness about the impending day, but each time they also reassure him thoroughly that cell phones and computers and video chats exist for a reason. Chie jokes that they'll probably spend so much time bothering him he won't have time for homework, let alone making new friends, and Rise adds that she'll come visit him when she has work back in the city, and will promptly chase off anyone else he's gotten close to. Teddie follows up with a a crack about how she won't need to do that, because one visit from Kanji will ensure that no one talks to Souji ever again for fear of being beaten up, and there's a loud but ultimately playful argument that ensues, sending everyone at the table into a fit of laughter.

For a time, he is at ease.

* * *

The letter from Adachi arrives, confirming what he's suspected for some time now: their fight is not over.

* * *

Izanami may not be right about anything else, but she is correct about is that watching his friends die around him induces the purest form of despair Souji's ever known. He allows himself to be pulled under without a fight, and for a few moments he thinks about taking the easy way out, to wrap himself in the fog and blind himself to the truth so he doesn't have to be alone anymore.

The images of his friends appear before him in the mist, telling him how much he's done for each of them, and their words remind him that allowing himself to be consumed by illusion is _true_ loneliness; that even if they're gone now, even if he couldn't save them, refusing to save himself would be the ultimate way of letting them down.

Souji gets to his feet.

* * *

The surge of power he feels as Izanagi-no-Okami is intoxicating, even as the air around them swirls in a poisonous purple shade, the goddess before them in her truest, terrifying form. But the light that he emanates is blindingly bright, and he sees her quail before him as he raises his blade.

Myriad Truths rains down upon her, proving humanity's power and will, and as she falls, the world around them goes white.

* * *

Souji awakens to the smell of flowers and the spring breeze. As he sits up, he looks around him frantically, and when his friends also sit up around him, one by one, he feels like he's never known true happiness before this moment.

They all come together, gathering around each other and celebrating, running through the fresh grass and marveling at how beautiful the TV World's true form is. They surround Souji, linking arms with each other, closing him in and congratulating him on his strength, which he immediately refutes as he earnestly tells his teammates that he couldn't have done it without them.

Yosuke falls silent first, going still as he looks over Souji's shoulder. The rest of them quickly notice and follow his eyes, then do the same.

Souji turns, slowly, because he has a feeling he already knows who's standing there.

Izanagi faces them, smaller now, exactly Souji-sized and shaped. Souji leaves the circle of his friends and they tense, Teddie telling him to be careful. But Souji shows no fear, approaching his Persona with no hesitation, and stops just before him to reach up and pull the mask away from his face.

Souji meets his Shadow's golden eyes, and smiles.

Behind him, the Investigation Team braces themselves, reaching for their weapons. Despite their emotional and physical exhaustion from the fight against an all-powerful goddess, they're still prepared to protect their Leader at all costs. Souji's Shadow takes the sight of them in, and then smiles as well.

“You've found what you were searching for,” he says, and it's not a question, because he already knows the answer.

Souji nods, and replies, “And you helped me.”

“Perhaps,” the Shadow muses, looking over the Team again, watching them start to relax as they realize they don't seem to be in any danger. “But only because you're so afraid of being left alone.”

“I am,” Souji admits freely, “and you never appeared because of that. Because they'd have been scared of you, before now.”

The Shadow tilts his head. “Are they scared now? Do I worry them, by appearing like this? Will they abandon you, knowing you aren't that different from them?”

Souji glances behind him, meeting his teammates' eyes, and as they all shake their heads and grin or give him a thumbs up, he turns back to Izanagi.

“No,” he says, with conviction, “I think they're glad you were there with me.”

Izanagi visibly relaxes, and looks up to meet Yosuke's eyes, making him flinch.

“I _do_ like cats,” he says, straight-faced and to the utter confusion of the others, “why would I spend hours with them if I didn't?”

Yosuke stares, open-mouthed, and then Souji begins to laugh, clutching his stomach and covering his mouth to try and stifle himself. Yosuke then smiles, uncertainly at first but then earnestly, and then starts to laugh himself. It's contagious, taking over the group, even if they don't entirely understand the joke they get the gist of it—really, haven't they _all_ wondered what Souji's Shadow would be like?—and they begin to laugh, too.

Souji takes a minute to compose himself again once it's quieted down, straightening back up to his full height so he can look his Shadow right in the eye, turning to face him completely.

“You're me,” he says, opening his arms, “and I'm you.”

His Shadow nods and steps forward into his embrace, vanishing into the breeze. Souji inhales the scent of spring, savoring the feeling of peace within him, and then turns to rejoin his friends.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks again to floatslikebricks for giving me the go-ahead to write this. I have a multitude of headcanons for Shadow Souji and this is a good way for me to get some of them out there.


End file.
